OH, THESE DARNED MOSQUITOES.

Shutting down is probably an easy coping mechanism for most people, like a tortoise hiding in its shell when it senses trouble. They’re essentially the same thing, I think. It's just another way of hiding, isn't it? Of course, by shutting down, I mean shutting out all the silly people who become like mosquitoes buzzing in your ears when you’re trying to sleep and all the other mundane things that go on in our lives every day. Is it really as simple as that? I think I want to be like a tortoise, free to go into hiding whenever I pleased. If only we could choose when we wanted to get up and face the big bad world and when we didn't have the heart and the strength to, life would be so much simpler. But we aren't tortoises, unfortunately. I honestly think people are like mosquitoes. I don’t mean they’re like evil blood-sucking vampires, I just mean they’re unwanted and they make annoying sounds and we could definitely do without so many of their kind. So in this theory of mine, I'm a helpless puppy and the mosquitoes (people) are incessantly making hideous sounds in my ears. How can I possibly shut them out? How can I sheath myself from them? Yes, most of them will only give me an itch for a while, but some of them could either harm me or could make me fatally ill. Sometimes, you don’t even feel the mosquito biting you, but they always do bite, don’t they? Evil little things. Okay, so maybe this mosquito-human-puppy theory isn't working out too well. All I mean to say is that people don’t realise the effect their words as well as actions can have on you. How do you create this barrier around you so that none of what people say has any effect on you whatsoever, because you should be able to decide who has a say in your happiness – indirectly or directly? It seems almost impossible when people are all around you, everywhere you look. How can you block them out and not let them touch you? Although, everywhere I look, people seemed to have mastered this art. Everybody is indifferent. Everybody is aloof. Nobody cares. I wish I knew what people my age really cared about – their future, their boyfriends or girlfriends? I really don’t know. I really do wish my brain would start functioning like a regular person of my age and not in this odd, contorted fashion. My teacher told me in the 10^th grade that she thought I was very sensitive. I disagreed with her then, but I was so wrong. Maybe I was less sensitive then and over the last two years, I've changed so much that my capacity to take any kind of pressure or pain has just reduced. There’s only so much I can bear these days. People can be disturbing when they cross that imaginary barrier around me that I rarely let anybody cross. When they cross that line, it’s so easy for them to hurt you and make you feel these feeling that you would much rather not feel. I wonder if anybody matters, whether any of it really matters. All I want is to do something important and meaningful with my life, and go places, take beautiful photographs and spend months in the hills and look at the stars every night. Maybe that’s too much to ask for, but it’s what I want. Where do the mosquitoes come in? I wish I knew. Maybe one day I will. For now, all I want to do is, tell the darned mosquitoes that I'm a puppy who would like to be a tortoise and they should stay away from me, because it’s only fair.